Vacation to a place called........Home

I packed my bags to catch a flight from JFK in the next couple of hours, with a few troubling thoughts in my head related to a possible change at work. An extensively busy work schedule with limited friends and social life, an attempt to rediscover the “spontaneous” myself”, a break off with my girl friend etc. led me to have mixed feelings about this trip. On one hand, I was excited with the idea of meeting my family and getting away from the busy schedule in NYC and on the other, I was slightly worried of being MIA from my real life.

It was an amazingly exhaustive flight to Kolkata, where my cousin Niku joined me for our trip to Guwahati (note- Niku and I can be really dangerous when together). My trip to Guwahati was to attend a couple of weddings. My cousin Nina’s....which I found really amazing, considering she was born and raised in London , probably visited Guwahati only about thrice in her lifetime and yet decided to get married here and Kheti’s.......who is one of my best friends since school. I was looking forward to meet my cousins from all over the world and the experience of the British Assamese wedding. Additionally, it was very important for me to be in Kheti’s wedding, which clearly could lead to an end of an era among our friends. I felt the timing for everything was perfect, but deep inside I was slightly worried that I would keep thinking about work and the break off, that could easily ruin the fun.

When I set foot in Guwahati, I get the exact same feeling, since the last 10 years. The air makes me feel nostalgic, the people make me feel warm and our house (specially my room and balcony) makes me feel safe and confident. I believe this is the only reason why I do not want to go back and settle in Guwahati, as I may not feel the same way if I did. It was no different this time, it was great to meet my family, even though I missed visiting “Aita” (she passed away few months back). I spent hours sitting in my balcony overlooking the entire city. It actually makes my mind stop wondering and takes me to a different zone. I wanted to find out if everyone feels the same sitting there and hence I brought my friends (Tusooo and Assoo) home to actually find out if they feel the same way. They did, we sat there for hours without speaking a word.

There have been only a few occasions in my life when things have gone beyond my expectation. It’s an amazing feeling when it does. Nina’s wedding and later our trip to kaziranga was one of those. During the wedding, I got the opportunity to play a very important role as part of the rituals- “the brother of the bride”, moved towards “re-discovering” the spontaneous “myself” (if you don’t know what I mean, read my earlier blog- “Another Year..of changes”) by walking up to the stage… grabbing the guitar and performing a song, made a bunch of really good friends who came all the way from London…great conversations…Bon fire jam sessions, table tennis matches, relaxation by the pool, jungle safari etc. and quite unlike me enjoyed taking up responsibilities during the trip. I had one of the greatest 4 days in a long time.

My trip to Guwahati will always be incomplete without the intense philosophical conversations about life with “Papa” and “my uncle (papu khura)”, and the regular gossip with “Ma”. Felt great to express my perspective about life and have”Papa” and “Papu Khura” to agree upon (not an easy task). It felt nice to see “Ma” feel comfortable with my answers to every bit of concern she expressed. I also got a sense of satisfaction in guiding “Niku (my cousin)” on life experiences, studies and career. Majority of the times I was hit with questions around my break off, woman in my life or right time for my own wedding, from ” Nina’s & my own Mom and Dad”, which was something new to me and was not prepared to handle. But I think I did ok and hopefully soon will have all the answers.

Conversations at home made me feel very responsible and matured, however, when with my school friends who came over for Kheti’s wedding (tussooo, asssooo and razooo), we still behaved 18 year olds (probably even younger, just because the drinking age is 18+ in India). The fear of Kheti’s wedding leading to the end of an era among friends was thrown out of the window, as we didn’t care. We laughed at senseless conversations, had “momos” like never before and even went to the extent of skipping few of wedding functions (knowing us, Kheti should be fine with that) to continue our drinking sessions in the car. Also, helped Niku explore the”shady” bars of the city, that can get quite addictive (he would agree even though not too many people know about it). It was a great time with friends, and really hope it remains the same.

After spending such memorable times with family, cousins, old friends, new friends clubbed in a short time of ten days, I was here again packing my bags to catch the flight back to New York. The flight to …busy schedules, tight deadlines and Bars (which in reality is my life and I enjoy it), I was struck with the same mixed feeling that I had on my way here. However, this time it was more towards the fear of missing the place….the people. While on the flight, the thoughtful person I am, made me wonder about the majority of the things I had written here. I felt great. Little I knew when I boarded the flight from JFK that this trip would end up being one of the most memorable trips of my life- a perfect blend of celebration, fun, reflection, discussions with family and leisure. It felt great to realize that every time I want to break free, need to reflect back on my life, think I am losing myself, need to rest, need answers……….simply need a vacation…..the best place to go is somewhere that always has something to offer……. a place called “Home”.

Another Year....of changes

It’s funny, for the last few days everyone I meet, have asked me about my New Year resolution. I do come up with a few while I respond, none of which are my actual resolutions. Most of you who know me will be surprised that, I in fact have a “wish list” of things that I have been maintaining for the past few years, which you could consider my resolution, but nothing specific to new years.
Today, when I returned home after an exhaustive day at work, I took a look at my “wish list” and something struck me….it was not a great feeling. I always complained that I have changed over the years from being a very spontaneous kid to a lot more thoughtful person. I started wondering what could have led to the changes. Could be work, life experiences or could even just be this “wish list” that I started maintaining. I was not sure, but it definitely made me look back to how I used to be.

As a kid, I remember myself being very spontaneous and being one the most talked about kids, reasonably popular for my witty “one liners”. While I grew, I more or less did whatever I wanted (thanks to very supportive parents, I know you guys will love to hear this). I never felt the need for anything, as I got things even before I needed. I remember getting an “Air Gun” on my birthday when I wished for a “Leo Gun” (I hope you know which one I am talking about). Wished for a regular bi-cycle and papa forced me to buy a racing bi-cycle. I probably was one of the first among my friends to have a bike, even before I thought of owning one. Ma asking me to change streams from science to commerce because she felt I was working too hard studying and not having enough time to play. I was surrounded with friends and always had something interesting to do. These things must have made me a little less ambitious as an 18 year old, assuming thing come very easily as it has in the past. I am not very sure how it felt at that point of time but it feels good thinking about it now.

I never felt the need to compete with others, which helped me evolve as a well wisher among friends. I had no sense of jealousy against others and I continued to do what I felt like, without much influences. However, during this period, I unconsciously started challenging myself with certain targets to achieve. It is during this time that I think I created the “wish list”. Little I realized that this “wish list” would drive my life and slowly the spontaneous kid transformed to a more thoughtful and calculative individual. I started having limited number of friends as I changed to a person without much expressions and sense of compromise, unconsciously focusing just on the goals I had set for myself.

I feel over the years, with these transformations, I have stopped appreciating new changes in life, exploring new ventures, appreciating people in my life, making friends, trying different things, feeling overwhelmed with good news, started taking life too seriously…………basically stopped being spontaneous…..and I think I miss it.
Today while I go through the same “wish list”- impressively with a lot of “ticks”, I came up with my first “true” New Year resolution……………………”to re-discover myself”…..

And I wonder......

Life has changed so much, I can’t imagine. Often when I am alone, I tried looking back in time and analyze the changes, while years went by before my eyes. I have always been a very thoughtful person, which often made everything very complicated. I have never planned anything in life but hoped for the results, I took things as they came and tried giving my 100% all the time. Like most of you, I too am always scared of failure and regret. So few years back I decided to say 'yes' to any opportunity that came my way and tried doing my best. However, at 27, I am still unsure of what I actually want to achieve or how to live the rest of my life. I was reading Chintu ba’s blog , where she questioned, if “does one really reap what one sows” still holds good in the modern era. My answer to things has been “whatever makes you happy”. I know that’s a very broad statement, but the basic truth is human beings are and have always been selfish. People who believe in the philosophy (that she stated) are selfish too as their focus is on “how they want to be treated” and people will keep living based on this philosophy only till the time they feel it working for them. Personally, i still believe in this philosophy as it makes me happy (selfishly).There isn't a single philosophy of life. Laws of nature, philosophy of life and purpose of one’s life is different for all individuals. There is no right or wrong. People build philosophies based on what their individual experiences.

Talking about laws of nature, philosophy of life and purpose of one’s life makes me wonder.... I feel all my’ 'fundas' on laws of nature and philosophy of life are pretty sound but what I really struggle figuring out- is the purpose of my life. My life has been great and I probably will not change anything if I had an opportunity to re-live, at this point. I consider myself very fortunate for having a life like this- the way things are. But why am I so fortunate? It makes me feel that I need to do something and not just feel good being fortunate. Though I have just been thinking and not taken any action. I like to look at the broader picture of life and probably that’s one of the reasons why I do not like to have too many attachments. I always felt attachments and commitments reduce the scope to live life with a broader perspective. Your life revolves around these commitments and this could be one of the reasons why I do not want to live like most people do (at least till the time I know what I want to get of it). Now, especially when people close to me advises me on or encourages me to start thinking about certain decisions in life, I start wondering…….